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When you wake up with a mouth like a badger's arse.

Drugs and drink

Hangovers

This is what you'll get if you spend all day drinking booze in a field. Be prepared to cope with it when you're there.

Why do I feel so lousy?

The reason you feel so bad the morning after a heavy session is largely down to dehydration and by-products left in your system. Darker drinks such as beer, red wine, port and brandy are most likely to leave you feeling worse off because they contain more impurities known as congeners.

So take me through the symptoms, quietly.

  • Headaches: Alcohol has diuretic properties, which means it makes the body lose water (and explains why you're constantly going to the loo). Waking up with a thick head and a raging thirst is your body's way of telling you that it lacks sufficient fluids to perform normally.
  • Nausea and trembling: Your blood sugar levels drop in the wake of an alcohol onslaught, which can contribute to the reason why you feel so sick. Alcohol is also considered to be an irritant, which can leave your stomach in a bad way, and can contribute to ulcers down there if you're boozing heavily on a regular basis.
  • Irritability: Triggered by the fact that alcohol is a depressant drug and you're suffering from the comedown. It doesn't help that nobody has any sympathy for the way you feel.

I've been punished enough. Just gimme the cure!

Sadly there is no guaranteed way. A great deal depends on the drink you put away, as well as factors like your body size/height/metabolism. Still, everyone has their own idea about how to deal with a hangover. Some people take precautionary measures before they hit the bottle. Others have a morning-after strategy that works wonders for them.

Basic tips

  • Drink plenty of water, preferably during your drinking session. Pacing yourself in this way should ensure your body doesn't dry out too badly. A pint of water before sleeping can also see off any headaches, but it may mean waking up with a full bladder. Or a wet bed.
  • Eat well before you drink. Go for food that takes a long time to digest, such as milk, bread, cheese, potato and pasta, as this will line your stomach. If it's too late and you're already in hangover hell, try to eat small amounts frequently to restore your glucose levels.
  • Try not to mix your drinks, because you're only adding to the number of toxins that your body has to deal with. If you're planning on a session then stick to one kind of falling-down juice.
  • Respect the power of alcohol. If you can pace your drinking, and know when enough is enough, your system won't floor you the next day.
  • Ditch 'the dog'. A hair of the dog drink might help blunt your headache, basically by making you drunk again, but all you're doing is delaying the inevitable alcohol comedown.

Top 5 'cures':

  1. A big greasy fry-up. Get beyond the first mouthful, you're home and dry.
  2. Sex, and lots of it. Like you need an excuse, eh?
  3. Salt and vinegar crisps and coca cola.
  4. Not drinking alcohol, ho ho ho.
  5. Berocca (the vitamin supplement taken in fizzy water form).