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Brown, sticky and out to ruin your festival.

Avoiding mud

Mud pie may seem like the best thing when you are five, but it sure ain't when you're knee-deep in the stuff and trying to dance. Here's how to survive the festival mud:

  1. Waterproofs and wellies: Take them with you and wear them. Your feet will stay dry, and they'll make wading across the muddy lakes much easier. Plus you'll be the envy of other punters and won't have to spend all your beer money on a pair when you're there. Prices become extortionate. Besides, have you seen how cool they are these days? You can even get leopard-print ones - genius!

  2. Plastic bags: Failing wellies, plastic bags wrapped around your feet can help keep your feet dry. They are also useful for putting all the muddy things into and keeping clean things out of the mud. Bin liners are also great for sitting on if the waterproof-trouser look just isn't you.

  3. Wet wipes: Absolutely essential for removing everything from make-up to mud. Take lots of them.

  4. Clothes: Unless you're going to let it all hang out, keep one set of clothes clean and dry to sleep in/travel home in. Pack clothes you don't mind ruining.

  5. Pitch: Don't camp by the stage, a walkway or at the bottom of a hill. Your tent may drown. Camping too close to portaloos isn't advisable either.

  6. Failing all the above: Cover yourself from head to toe in mud and pose for the press while everyone points, laughs and shouts "Twat!".