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You stinker! Cover your nose: it's time to visit the festival bogs.

Beat the loo queues

Don't want to have to stand in close proximity to the minging portaloos for too long and miss your favourite band in the process? Fear not, we've got it sussed.

1. Pack your pockets with plastic bags and, hey presto! Your very own personal disposal unit, to be used behind trees or in the comfort of your own tent. Of course, you do then have the problem of what to do with the bag, which could be just as time-consuming and gag-inducing.

2. Join the back of the queue and begin to preach. Be sure to make up a religion to avoid insult, and don't blink as you talk. Within minutes, that cubicle will have your name all over it.

3. Failing that, tap on the shoulder of the person in front of you and strike up a never-ending conversation. When they can't take any more, and duck out in favour of a quieter queue, repeat the process with the next person in front.

4. Queue up for however long it takes - minutes, hours, it doesn't matter - because once you're in, you stay in. Lock the door. Clear up as best you can, and you have a toilet that doubles as a bathroom. Kinda.

5. Pack a catheter and colostomy bag, and forget about the whole thing for three days.

6. If you can't lay your hands on that kind of medical equipment, wear waterproof trousers, no pants, and elastic bands around each ankle.

7. Only visit the loos between 2am and 4am in the morning - thus avoiding "rush hours".

8. Steal a cubicle, drag it back to your tent, and leave a 'contaminated' sign on the door.

9. Bung a tenner to one of the small minority of anal-festival goers who bring their own loo tents. When faced with the alternative, no price is too high!

10. Sleep with someone backstage, anyone, just so long as they guarantee you can use the facilities before heading back to join the great unwashed.